I think this is something that I need to bring back my way to destress to vent to let it out cause I doubt anybody actually reads this anymore bring on facebook, twitter and probably myspace to name a few.
At present I find myself falling into a deeper depression each day, no work, can't sleep and in constant pain and to make things worse I wonder whether I have any true friends not just people that want me around occassionally but people who will want to be around me always kinda like the friendship I have/had with amanda who knows where that is now. I throughly enjoy hanging out with Emily and Loz and everyone else but I hang out things seem to go good and I leave for whatever reason tea or they are going somewhere else we agree to message later on when she gets home and I'll come over or something or not whatever but what ends up happening is I message her and she just doesn't reply and she will have some excuse as to why. Wow don't I feel special why not just say you don't want to hang out later I won't get ready/not get into my pj's and then it gets to 1 am and hello no response to my messages and then I begin to feel more depressed like I'm not an important friend to her cause she never messages me back. God damn and then everyone tells me that hanging out with amanda is bad cause she uses me but hey at least she fucking replies to my messsages and hangs out with me and then people wonder why after all the fights I go back well thats easy I said it above I'm not ignored or forgotten man it sucks and I fucking hate it. I'm sitting here crying trying to hold it together and what sucks worse is that tomorrow I will be all like thats fine and em will be like come over and hang. Why the fuck don't I just tell people how I really feel why do I have to be a people pleaser.
I'm starting to think there is something seriously wrong with my. God damn. I just can't be bothered anymore I want to sleep and never wake up so I never have to feel this way again.
- Location:Hell
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Channel V
Yes I am alive although I do not feel alive....it's weird I still feel numb. The drugs are meant to help motivate me and there not. I haven't worked out in 2 weeks apart from the personal trainer, I just don't have the motivation and I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I was feeling good and should be feeling good, work is good I'm not dredding coming her everyday, I'm getting 8 hours of sleep a night, I'm eating fairly healthy although on the weekend I had take out twice once at 4.30 in the morning, it's a bit of a tale lol.
I dyed my hair red/purple and even that didn't make me feel better or different. I feel the same I feel numb and bored. My psychologist tells me not to write like this but I can't help it. I'm just feeling nothing I really feel numb although numb is starting to lose all meaning to me.
I now have glasses to wear all the time because I am short sighted now. The only person I see at the moment is Amanda and Laura sometimes and I can't open up to them about things that are happening in my life. I get to see Briany on Halloween to go and see The Butterfly Effect I'm excited for that, I talk to Denise on facebook nearly everyday. The beauty of messages I love it when I sign on and have a message in my inbox.
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut maybe thats the word I'm looking for its the same thing over and over. I feel so lonely though I'm surrounded by a bunch of but feel nothing. I'm in a trance. I get up have breakfast get dress in the same clothes do my hair the same take my drugs make lunch leave for work, stay at work for 8 hours drive home wash my clothes, do my needle, have tea, watch TV have a shower go to bed and do it all again the next day.
Maybe what I need to do is go shopping for some new clothes that would better fit me. I've lost some weight last count was 5kg although that was a few weeks ago, and now my shirts are all to big and I'm swimming in them and my work pants are too big and fall down. This is a good thing but I'm not celebrating I'm dredding having to go shopping and spend money on clothes. I have all of these awesome pairs of shoes at home but hardly wear them from fear that I will break the heel and really do I need the height I love them though can not give them up.
Yesterday a lady at work called me over and asked whether I have always had glasses and when I said no she said well they look really good on you. Normally that would make me feel good but instead it did nothing. What is wrong with me?? I talk about my issues with my psychologist and feel good and then suddenly I feel like this maybe its because I'm so tired that I'm like this but it's just taking its toll on me I can no longer hide behind a happy face I'm drowning inside yesterday I was apparently in a bad mood but I couldn't tell and didn't realise.
I'm going to stop here because this is probably not making sense and I shouldn't be doing it. I'm meant to not look at the bad things.
- Location:Work
- Mood: discontent
- Music:Nothingness
EEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIII
OMG Where have you gone no lj no messages no facebook, haven't check myspace no blogspot. I bet your in myspace aren't you.?? Send through some form of comment message smoke signal anything to tell me your alive.
- Location:Looking for EMily - Suck on that Albabrandi
- Music:Me laughing at my lame joke in my head. Stoopid
- Location:via hiptop in Trafalgar
- Mood:
chipper - Music:something weird on the radio
Picking up from where I left off. I went to the see the PT and it was awesome and have since been back for more and had no idea what muscles I had in my body cause get what they all hurt. It's really fun and I love it and exercise balls must have been the best thing invented EVER. they are so fun and bouncey. I swear though if Adam sings the bouncey bouncey song again I'm going to hurt him BADLY. The first time we went there was good it was 2 hours and I don't think I've recovered yet. The thursday is the worse like today you feel everything. My stomach is so sore and weird but awesome. I feel like I have to throw up but don't, thats the weird part kids and yeah awesome. We went back on tuesday for another session only an hour this time but that was enough did the exercise bike, weights and gym ball, walking machine, gym ball boxing and then stomach muscle death.
Anyway DISTURBED fucking ROCKED like hardcore. I loved ever minute of it. They had 3 support acts I think Behind Crimson Eyes they introduced themselves and performed but do you think we could hear anything they said no, hello guys work on the live sound, Alterbridge who I remember from 2004 and a video in alike a timber yard and thinking the the lead singer looks a little something like a baldwin mixed with a jason lewis. but not this time Myles looked more like either Jason Lee or Billy Crudup from Almost Famous and I couldn't get Stillwater out of my head sad sad sad then I realised that the Alterbridge song Rise Again in on TSCC and I love that show and therefore love everything relating to it and Cameron Crowe come on man bring out another movie with a rocking soundtrack please, please please. lol got a little side tracked, then POD came out opening with Boom. That is a song that will get the crowd going and it did. AWESOME indeed. Then finally after what seemed like an eternity Disturbed came out. I shit you not it was almost like an hour between POD and Disturbed. Not Cool. Disturbed rocked lots of crowd inclusion getting everybody on their feet and things like that, while being all the awesome Briany loved it too. We had to leave just before the end of the encore to catch the train home. It was so awesome catching the train I am now in love with trains.
Wow so yeah I completely forgot what I was typing and went to lunch now I can't be bothered its nap time now. Peace out I'm sure I'll update again later.
- Location:Moe
- Mood:
tired - Music:Paris is burning
Well as the title would suggest it has been over a week since I updated this bad boy and has it been a week I'd rather forget( This is one of those that will probably make you either angry at me or sad...you have been warned )
- Location:At home on the couch
- Music:Oz season 2 episode 7
Last night had a good chat to em on facebook I think I'm loving that a little more every day no one emails anymore its all facebook chat, messages and lj posts and comments love ittttttttttttttttttttttt.
- Location:MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEE
- Mood:
ecstatic - Music:Darlene doing her job
OH HOW I MISS PLAYING WITH THE FONTS!!!!!!! SIZES
- Location:WORK
- Mood: NANANANA
- Music:SILENZO
- Location:Moe -Town
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:Silence - Where did all the people go?
SO LIKE I'M TOTALLY FREAKING OUT CAUSE I'M GOING TO DISTURBED WITH BRIANY. It's my birthday present from her this is awesome because I like 'This Moment' more than life and there sound but then there is the little problem of me not really knowing much of there other music I have listened to it occassionally but own none of the album and I'm flipping out cause then I'm going to feel like a poser so what to do. Should I use the wire to get the music or should I buy the albums I don't know what to do I wish Briany still lived in the valley so I could borrow the albums of her and listen to it all on repeat. HELP ME HELP ME!!!!!
PS The flu shot does nothing and
PPS Diabetes and Cold = worst feeling ever have you ever gone from 13ish to 4ish in an hour I have and it really really sucks I got so bad yesterday I couldn't even get up my legs were like jelly and I was home alone. sad.
.
PPPPS Hello Hypo how I have missed you these past 12 hours, Please fuck off and die.
PPPPPS Tash you got flash and that is so so so wrong. Creepy old guy much.
That is all I swear
- Location:Hell in Sweden but more Moe than Sweden
- Music:This moment playing on repeat in my head must go and watch transformers now
- Location:Dark Pink Couch in front of the fire at home
- Mood: depressed
- Music:Homecoming - Kayne West ft. Chris Martin
It's casual clothes day at work today also which is also awesome I'm feeling really relaxed and extremely happy. It really is awesome. What's even better Darlene is back at work today and I love Darlene when I walked in this morning and went over and gave her a big hug and we know how much I'm not a hugging person, she also said that I looked great which is even better and so a thing she would say. David gave me white chocolate rocky road which is awesome dad will love it. Becc and Em said happy birthday as did a whole heap of people from downstairs when I walked in this morning with morning tea. There was a shit load of food no joke and it's Hayley's last day as she is moving to one of our melbourne offices so she brought in food as well. Keryn and David also both said I looked good today in purple with poker straight hair and a purple head band. I hear this headband. Nicole and Denise said happy birthday and told me that there is a message in the express from mum and dad joy and marian and that and I'm guessing they didn't tell dad so I don't know how he took it and I wasn't home to see it. Apparently Shelley has something for me. She sent me an email I'm worried now lol. Jenny said happy birthday to me as well. So it's a good day and everyone is saying I look good in purple which is awesome because guess what I love purple.
Ok that vanity will stop now otherwise my head will be bigger than my body and I won't be able to stand up lol.
I'm so excited to see you all tomorrow. lol Peace out. I'm going shopping tonight yay
- Location:Island Paradise aka My Desk
- Mood:
giggly - Music:Paul and Em Talking
- Location:Moe
- Mood: exhausted
- Music:SILENCE OMG I'M DEAD
PACMAN KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE....................................
- Location:DIGIWALKER DESK
- Mood: okay
- Music:BECK TALKING
Have I ever mentioned to any of you that I have pacman on my desk well at least the picture. I work with some awesome people including this girl named Becc who is thoughly amused by this pacman bracelet that I resently brought, its a rather short story involving dinner with work mates and her seeing my bracelet and laugh crying for a good 10 minutes anyway she is presently working the late shift and this morning I got to work and my number of pacman characters had increased by 150% so instead of two characters I now have 5 with a sixth getting made as we speak. The only thing missing is the little dots your meant to follow it will happen.
- Location:Pacman Land - AKA MY DESK
- Mood:
PACMAN CRAZED - Music:Paul talking about snot.
........................................
We will now return you to your scheduled broadcast of......
........................................
laaa laaa lalalaaaaaaaaa la la laaaaaaaaa. Or some other ramblings.
That is all.
- Location:Hell in MOE
- Mood:
unaccomplished - Music:The Smurfs Theme
Open letter to Mr Sandman,
Seriously so not impressed with you this morning all I ask for ever is a goodnights sleep and what do you do. What?? Oh yeah you make me wake up 4 or 5 times you are cruel and then when my alarm goes off you make me fall back to sleep. I presently sit at my desk more asleep then awake and this is the start of the day. Foreshame Mr Sandman, I think you need to find a new job.
Thanks for nothing.
Alright so I'm done with that now but I'm still somewhat unhappy and I can't get my mind to focus or wake up I'm tempted to hit the coffee and see what happens. All I want to do when I get home in 8 hours is sleep. I'm on the countdown I've been up for 2 hours and I'm knackered. Yes I went to bed a wee bit late 11:20 and watched a little of Letterman as Richard Belzer was on and who doesn't love Munch from SVU, then it was straight to sleep all snuggled into bed and I'm fucked. No joke just fucked not even a coffee or pepsi max could wake me up this morning and have y'all ever tried to eat while your a sleep deprieved zombie, well have you? You can't which then upsets my already up set blood sugar levels and everything begins to suck even more than it did. Its entirely possible that none of this post makes sense cause I don't think my brain is really switched on all I can say is I'm happy that I finish at 4 today and then this shift tends to go fast although not this morning I feel like I've been here for hours.
PS. The weather is shit outside it really sucked driving to work today maybe not because of the weather or maybe it was but their was a truck speeding around the corner who was in the middle of the road I had to swerve(sp?) off the road not to be hit and boy was I unimpressed damn trucks and there belief they can speed through tight blind corners. i'M TOTALLY GOING TO GET KILLED ON THAT BACK ROAD ONE DAY..........sad but true
- Location:Work
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:I've got a bubbly bunch of coconuts
I totally watched the it crowd i keep forgetting that its on and its the awesome one with the fire song and the shoes and the swearing at the random Asian man. I feel like writing something but i'm not sure what. OMG If i see that damn cut the price of pre mixed drinks I'm going to find that man and boy will he be in trouble I'm not kidding it plays every add break and thats a shit load of times. I'm totally listening to Alkaline Trio I love their song SMOKE its wonderful wow that's a word I don't use often I should use it more often. I'm really enjoying word at the moment I'm getting lots of complements for my work ethic and ability to solve problems I had a man ring to change his address on Friday and yes it has taken several days up while looking to update the address I advised the member that we could do his insurance for less by combining all his policies instead of having 4 seperate ones, it was then that I realised on of his policies had lapsed meaning the vehicle had been uninsured for over a year so we sorted that out then got everything combined and he is extremely happy. I think I would really enjoy working in our personal banking department as it would mean less member but it would involve getting to know the members that we speak to better and doing loans and insurance and day to day banking it would be awesome. And I got an email from a department calling me a Godsend cause I did the work for them instead of passing it on. And everyone seems to be really happy with me and I'm happy and I'm feeling really good and healthy even though I'm on the early.
Anyway thats gunna have to do as I need to go to bed. Better not forget to do my long acting needle tonight unlike last night. Not a good idea cause I didn't know what to do.
- Location:Lounge Room
- Mood:
satisfied - Music:Dido - Don't Leave Home and Boston Legal
- Location:The Lounge Room
- Mood: sleepy
- Music:Tiny Dancer- Elton John on an add for Almost Famous I heart the movie hardcore
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