I'm not ok, i'm not ok I can't pretend that i'll be ok i can't anymore i just don't see how I'm going to get though this everything that I had is gone and that includes some of my friends. It's just too much I can't take it anymore this headache is destroying me it's gotten to the point where it is starting to destroy my spirit and my soul I have no energy I can't sleep and I'm constantly in pain. It's been over a year what did I do wrong to lose everything I worked so hard for??

I don't recognise myself anymore. I see parts of who I used to be but I'm not me anymore my behaviour is not what it used to be I used to know when to stop but now I can't I used to know how to find something to do. I used to be able to find the motivation to get out of bed every morning even though I had nothing else to do now nothing I just can't function. This apparent case of new daily persistant headache that I am suffering from is destroying my life I'm losing everything that I have worked to so had to get and its making it so had to just get out of bed at all. I hope this goes aways soon.

Not for a good reason though. Wow has this thing been denied for a long while 40 weeks it tells me and an intense 40 weeks its been.

I think this is something that I need to bring back my way to destress to vent to let it out cause I doubt anybody actually reads this anymore bring on facebook, twitter and probably myspace to name a few.

At present I find myself falling into a deeper depression each day, no work, can't sleep and in constant pain and to make things worse I wonder whether I have any true friends not just people that want me around occassionally but people who will want to be around me always kinda like the friendship I have/had with amanda who knows where that is now. I throughly enjoy hanging out with Emily and Loz and everyone else but I hang out things seem to go good and I leave for whatever reason tea or they are going somewhere else we agree to message later on when she gets home and I'll come over or something or not whatever but what ends up happening is I message her and she just doesn't reply and she will have some excuse as to why. Wow don't I feel special why not just say you don't want to hang out later I won't get ready/not get into my pj's and then it gets to 1 am and hello no response to my messages and then I begin to feel more depressed like I'm not an important friend to her cause she never messages me back. God damn and then everyone tells me that hanging out with amanda is bad cause she uses me but hey at least she fucking replies to my messsages and hangs out with me and then people wonder why after all the fights I go back well thats easy I said it above I'm not ignored or forgotten man it sucks and I fucking hate it. I'm sitting here crying trying to hold it together and what sucks worse is that tomorrow I will be all like thats fine and em will be like come over and hang. Why the fuck don't I just tell people how I really feel why do I have to be a people pleaser.

I'm starting to think there is something seriously wrong with my. God damn. I just can't be bothered anymore I want to sleep and never wake up so I never have to feel this way again.

Hello hello

Yes I am alive although I do not feel alive....it's weird I still feel numb. The drugs are meant to help motivate me and there not. I haven't worked out in 2 weeks apart from the personal trainer, I just don't have the motivation and I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I was feeling good and should be feeling good, work is good I'm not dredding coming her everyday, I'm getting 8 hours of sleep a night, I'm eating fairly healthy although on the weekend I had take out twice once at 4.30 in the morning, it's a bit of a tale lol.

I dyed my hair red/purple and even that didn't make me feel better or different. I feel the same I feel numb and bored. My psychologist tells me not to write like this but I can't help it. I'm just feeling nothing I really feel numb although numb is starting to lose all meaning to me.

I now have glasses to wear all the time because I am short sighted now. The only person I see at the moment is Amanda and Laura sometimes and I can't open up to them about things that are happening in my life. I get to see Briany on Halloween to go and see The Butterfly Effect I'm excited for that, I talk to Denise on facebook nearly everyday. The beauty of messages I love it when I sign on and have a message in my inbox.

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut maybe thats the word I'm looking for its the same thing over and over. I feel so lonely though I'm surrounded by a bunch of but feel nothing. I'm in a trance. I get up have breakfast get dress in the same clothes do my hair the same take my drugs make lunch leave for work, stay at work for 8 hours drive home wash my clothes, do my needle, have tea, watch TV have a shower go to bed and do it all again the next day.

Maybe what I need to do is go shopping for some new clothes that would better fit me. I've lost some weight last count was 5kg although that was a few weeks ago, and now my shirts are all to big and I'm swimming in them and my work pants are too big and fall down. This is a good thing but I'm not celebrating I'm dredding having to go shopping and spend money on clothes. I have all of these awesome pairs of shoes at home but hardly wear them from fear that I will break the heel and really do I need the height I love them though can not give them up.

Yesterday a lady at work called me over and asked whether I have always had glasses and when I said no she said well they look really good on you. Normally that would make me feel good but instead it did nothing. What is wrong with me?? I talk about my issues with my psychologist and feel good and then suddenly I feel like this maybe its because I'm so tired that I'm like this but it's just taking its toll on me I can no longer hide behind a happy face I'm drowning inside yesterday I was apparently in a bad mood but I couldn't tell and didn't realise.

I'm going to stop here because this is probably not making sense and I shouldn't be doing it. I'm meant to not look at the bad things.

EMILYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.








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OMG Where have you gone no lj no messages no facebook, haven't check myspace no blogspot. I bet your in myspace aren't you.?? Send through some form of comment message smoke signal anything to tell me your alive.

I'm totally on the road to melbourne. Using Laura's hiptop again I'm loving it. We are heading to fountain gate to do some shopping and go and see a movie yay. There is a storm outside with fork lightening. Love it. Anyway I've got to go Amanda wants to look at something peace out. Hope you all have a good weekend.

Man o man what a week it has been. I can't actually remember when I updated this thing it was over a week ago I'm sure. Like 9 days awesome.

Picking up from where I left off. I went to the see the PT and it was awesome and have since been back for more and had no idea what muscles I had in my body cause get what they all hurt. It's really fun and I love it and exercise balls must have been the best thing invented EVER. they are so fun and bouncey. I swear though if Adam sings the bouncey bouncey song again I'm going to hurt him BADLY. The first time we went there was good it was 2 hours and I don't think I've recovered yet. The thursday is the worse like today you feel everything. My stomach is so sore and weird but awesome. I feel like I have to throw up but don't, thats the weird part kids and yeah awesome. We went back on tuesday for another session only an hour this time but that was enough did the exercise bike, weights and gym ball, walking machine, gym ball boxing and then stomach muscle death.

Anyway DISTURBED fucking ROCKED like hardcore. I loved ever minute of it. They had 3 support acts I think Behind Crimson Eyes they introduced themselves and performed but do you think we could hear anything they said no, hello guys work on the live sound, Alterbridge who I remember from 2004 and a video in alike a timber yard and thinking the the lead singer looks a little something like a baldwin mixed with a jason lewis. but not this time Myles looked more like either Jason Lee or Billy Crudup from Almost Famous and I couldn't get Stillwater out of my head sad sad sad then I realised that the Alterbridge song Rise Again in on TSCC and I love that show and therefore love everything relating to it and Cameron Crowe come on man bring out another movie with a rocking soundtrack please, please please. lol got a little side tracked, then POD came out opening with Boom. That is a song that will get the crowd going and it did. AWESOME indeed. Then finally after what seemed like an eternity Disturbed came out. I shit you not it was almost like an hour between POD and Disturbed. Not Cool. Disturbed rocked lots of crowd inclusion getting everybody on their feet and things like that, while being all the awesome Briany loved it too. We had to leave just before the end of the encore to catch the train home. It was so awesome catching the train I am now in love with trains.

Wow so yeah I completely forgot what I was typing and went to lunch now I can't be bothered its nap time now. Peace out I'm sure I'll update again later.

Well as the title would suggest it has been over a week since I updated this bad boy and has it been a week I'd rather forget

( This is one of those that will probably make you either angry at me or sad...you have been warned )

Alright I'm at work obviously and well I'm wearing an Australian flag as a cape WTF?!?! I hear you say well I'm not quite sure what happened but that's what I'm doing with an Australian hat a Boonie Shirt and Australian Olympic socks random y/y?

Last night had a good chat to em on facebook I think I'm loving that a little more every day no one emails anymore its all facebook chat, messages and lj posts and comments love ittttttttttttttttttttttt.

The joys of controlling this LJ I can delete what I want when I want............................................................................ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nothing in this blog would be news to anybody. AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

OH HOW I MISS PLAYING WITH THE FONTS!!!!!!! SIZES